Changes; big and small

What makes you most anxious?

It has to be change, whether big or small it makes me anxious. If I get a long lead up to the change then I can find myself relax into the expectation, but if it happens quickly then I am looking at a meltdown or a shut down.

Meltdowns are pretty much me crying and yelling and loosing control as my emotions bubble over, whilst a shutdown is the opposite. I stop responding and although I am physically present I will not take part in anything that is occurring. Neither are great, although the shutdown is much easier for R to deal with. Think of it like a pressure cooker, sometimes you can get an explosion but sometimes everything will go eerily still and quiet. Both are equally bad for me, but once they are over it, it is almost as if a reset switch has been hit. It is then a waiting game to see if the stress and anxiety will accumulate again.

I also don’t see stresses as different. Take for example, the kettle breaks, this causes stress which leads to a build up as I can’t have a cup of tea. Each tea missed is more stress. Then, say we are on our way to get a new kettle, but pass friends, we roll down the window and have a chat (something that happens in Wales). We all decide to go back to their place and have a tea before getting the kettle. Normal? Right? Nope, this is huge and on the stress already accumulated there is a good chance that I will go into a meltdown. A meltdown because it is an instant action change, not a quiet accumulation. To stop it we should take a rain check with the friends and get the kettle then go home and make a tea. Then everything is back to normal, the stress is suddenly gone and will no longer be present. I do mean it as well, the fact that we are once again back to normal running in the house, it will mean there is no more stress, it has dissolved.

So, that is is what causes me most anxiety; change. Be it a broken kettle or a bad build or a change in route on the way to the shops. It is all change and it all takes spoons. My brain is happiest when the routine does not change, when everything is where it ought to be and where nothing is a surprise.