I get nervous all the time. It happens as I sit in my workshop or out when I’m walking, shopping or being with friends.
Don’t get me wrong there is nothing that has changed except I have friends. Five years ago I would have been hard pushed to name five, now they are everywhere and I am hard pushed to give them all enough time. Yet I find that with my increased social network I worry about how I behave.
It has very little to do with them and a lot to do with me.
I’m going through a difficult patch personally. Most of the time I’m fine but every now and then I am hit with nervousness and fear that I’m doing it all wrong. It’s all in my head. It’s moment were my aspergers raises its ugly head and looks around.
You see I view my mental disabilities almost like pets. My aspergers is fairly cat like, she coils around my ankles most of the time making me aware she is there, but sometimes she jumps on my shoulder and hisses in my ear letting me know her presence is something I have to deal with. My dyslexia is a small dog, sometimes he is behind me, simply snuffling, but every now and then he will run ahead and I am left running after him, trying to pick up the pieces. My dyspraxia is a snake, which is odd as I don’t like snakes, but she sits across my shoulders, she is balanced and most of the time quiet. But sometimes one of her coil loses purchase and lands at my feet. Then I trip.
They are my pets, and I live with them all the time. They make me who I am and they take a lot of my time. I have to work at making them quiet and if I don’t they all get loud and attention seeking. Then I can’t function properly. I withdraw.
Friends have said I become aloof and I guess I agree. I can no longer be part of where I am. I can only observe. It happens with my writing and my art. I pull back. Become an observer only.
Except lately it hasn’t.
Lately I feel everything.
My life has gone from being structured and black and white to full of colour. It is chaos. And it is difficult. It makes me nervous that I will say or do something wrong. It worries me that I can’t withdraw. I can’t sit and just watch.
It makes me nervous.
But it is so good at the same time. Would I want to go back to the black and white life? No, not on your life.
I love living in full colour. I just got to live with the chaos that comes with it. And perhaps rather than leashing my pets so tight, I let them play. But I watch them to make sure they don’t take me over. I do have aspergers, dyslexia and dyspraxia. Why would I want to hide them? They make me who I am, warts and all.