Words…

If you could permanently ban a word from general usage, which one would it be? Why?

There are many words that I hate, most of them seen as slurs or controversial. Just like the ones that have just been cut from Roald Dahl’s books. Fat is one I hate, but at the same time should it be banned? It is a descriptive word and a noun, it can be a metaphor and invoke imagery but it has also been used against people.

Fat cow.

Yeah, I am fat and due to societies norms I exist outside what is seen as normal. I am fat. I can say chubby or sturdy or even thick. (The latter I have been told is a good thing but my autistic brain keeps making me see in my head tree trunks, which is yet another slur from school – your legs are like tree trunks.)

Randomly I saw some photos the other day from me in school and I wasn’t fat at all. That didn’t happen until university when I tried to remember when I had eaten and couldn’t, so I’d over eat… A lot. Then I really was fat. Fatter than now. I hit 36 stone or about 504 pounds. Now, I am still fat but a slender reed compared to that. What came first? Being called fat or becoming fat?

I do know that if you call someone something for long enough it takes hold in the psyche and you become that thing. Is that what happened?

In this case it is possible that it was a tiny thing but really there was so much else going on. I was an autistic, dyspraxic and dyslexic student that didn’t know she was any of those. I was in hypers or meltdown or hypos or shutdowns all the time. I had lack of access to help and technology. I was hyper focused and yet unable to keep track of normal things. I couldn’t remember if I’d eaten and I couldn’t rely on feeling full because my brain doesn’t recognise that feeling. I could have gone too skinny but I find mouth chewing and taste to be one of my favourite stims. It isn’t just that I eat for comfort it is that the actual act makes me calmer. So I ate. A lot.

I was aware of nutrients and that you ought to be careful, I did still manage to give myself food poisoning once but most of the time I was eating well, just in massive quantities. I was on a high carbohydrate diet, something I now know is the worst for me, I need more protein and less gluten/simple carbs. I doubled in size and then again.

Being called fat had no bearing. I wasn’t aware. I am never aware of what or how I look. I pick clothes for how they feel and patterns. I love wearing clashing patterns and strong colours, so there was no way I knew how fat I was.

It wasn’t until after university and as I was putting cartoon characters on a wall in a children’s nursery that I had some heart palpitations. I went to the doctor and he said that I was putting too much strain on the heart.

“Get busy living or get busy dying,” he said.

He was dismissive and blunt and brilliant for my autistic brain. I went away and I sat down and I thought – do I want to live?

I decided I did and asked my mum to take over looking at what I ate. The weight disappeared slowly. I never got the baggy skin that others are plagued with, but it took five years and then I stopped cutting back. I wanted to live not spend my life on a diet.

So, yes. I’m fat but should the word be banned because it can be hurtful in certain contexts? No, I think not. At least not for me. I am not fat because of the word, I am fat from autism, overeating as a stim and from chronic pain. The word has nothing to do with it.