‘Alien’ and spoons

I have only a certain number of spoons… You all understand spoons?

The spoon theory actually began to describe a chronic illness and not autism, but it works the same. You wake up with a certain number of spoons or energy units. From the moment you open your eyes you only have those spoons to use and everything takes them; getting up, using the bathroom, washing, doing your hair. Suddenly you are down to two and there is still breakfast to eat and you aren’t even out the door.

On Tuesday, before Christmas, I start CBT in order to get some of this settled. According to my therapist I need to get rid of some of the rules that have, well, ruled my life for the last twenty years. They worked fine when I was living a much simpler life in the middle of rural Wales but now I have a complicated life filled with family and friends. It has gotten a little bad, with me having meltdowns, or overwhelmed moments, so bad that I have wondered if I was in the right place.

My spoons haven’t changed. Still got that same number. But now there are loads more things wanting them. I have always seen all my issues as separate; the osteoarthritis, the cubital syndrome, perimenopausal, autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, and a few more in my ever increasing problems. I never thought about them all interacting, but the reality is that they do. The spoons that would have seen me through the day will now only get me past breakfast.

Make more – I hear you cry. That would be the ideal but with me getting tired and overwhelmed the first thing I dropped was the writing and art. I’m doing some but not as much as I need to in order to make spoons. I got plenty of ideas, but there is just a lethargy and tiredness that I can’t push past. I can’t bring myself to draw, instead I am filled with thoughts that it would be best I leave. Obviously there is a huge part of me that realises it would hurt my family and my husband if I did, but this year has been so hard I wasn’t sure if I was going to get that option. It is almost as if the decision is not mine to make – I am a passive character in my own story.

Of course, you will notice that I am writing this. Does this mean I am fixed? No, not by a long shot, but I have taken the first step to get to a point where I can cope with this life I lead. A life that I want filled with kind people, laughter and home cooking. I also have to realise that I don’t have to be a push over or doormat for everyone, because I am so scared they will leave. That is the problem – I spread myself so thin because I don’t want anyone hurt or to leave me.

R says he never will and I do believe him, but some I have noticed can be intrinsically selfish in order to protect themselves, even if that hurts me and others. I understand – people have to heal and grow themselves and I can’t beat myself up if it does happen. Ultimately, when facing your own survival, people pick themselves. I do get that and I understand, but it seems so against the rules. Not society rules, but my own. Then again it is silly and mean to think that other people would know and obey my thoughts, but then again that is how my brain works. So, that is where the CBT comes in.

Those rules are what is wrong, they are the problem behind my brain not being able to understand motives, because people behave differently to my rules. I need to leave the rules behind and work out how to accept that people are different to me. Maybe this will work, I am hoping so.

And this is where ‘Alien’ comes in. I have seen the movie so many times, and pretty much know the dialogue but still it as wonderful as the first time I saw it. A woman beating the odds and space aliens. I know that a lot of people stim using different things, I used to eat my hair, and now I do a lot of craft work so that my hands are always moving. I can use movies. For me, today, it is ‘Alien’. The familiarity of the story is comforting. I also re-read books for the same reason. I like that things are set, they do not change. People don’t act on instinct and will never show a different behaviour pattern. No, this is comfortable for me. Ripley always wins and the alien always loses. In real life that never happens. There are no rules.

So, I will continue with the CBT and maybe it is working because I have just started to draw again and I am writing this post. So maybe I am getting used to not being there for everyone and trying to fit others perfect role. I don’t have to be the perfect housewife and the perfect stepmom, or the perfect crafter or the perfect cook – I just have to be me. The bits that work and those that don’t, are just me. And that is all I need to be.