Covid still sucks

We are sick. R and K are here as we all caught it together. We are staying away from people and randomly I am struggling. There is so much to do but my brain is so tired it is difficult to concentrate.

Do I try to push through the fog or do I not worry? Do I simply rest and wait until it passes? Do I have time?

The PhD has restarted and I am torn between being proud that I submitted and shame that there are so many mistakes that I didn’t see. This time around I am going to rely on more than a few people to check it. I have also set up my disability support.

Was it not there before? I hear you ask. The simple answer is that yes it was, but there was a problem when I asked for write up time. The head of the postgraduate school gave me a suspension instead. That meant that everything stopped, including support. Then there was just 3 weeks to submit. Not enough time to get everything set up. Maybe I should have said I needed write up time but the people I thought were looking out for me, weren’t. Instead, I am left with a resubmission on the PhD. Which I will do. But there is a huge part of me now that assumes that I’m not going to get it.

This has been playing on my covid addled mind and, here is the thing, I don’t seem to be all that bothered. I want to get the PhD but it has become more of a ‘something that I want’ rather than a ‘something that is needed’.

When I first started this journey I was looking at teaching, but then everything went a little tits up. My life became complicated. Don’t get me wrong, it didn’t fundamentally change. I am still me and I still love those I love, but my body changed.

I am still the same body type… No change there, but now I carry a blue badge. Thanks to bony overgrowths on my hip I can’t walk with a normal gait. Sometimes this means you can’t tell that I am limping. Other times this means that I’m barely moving. My plan has always been to get the PhD and teach – bring in some money as R is now retired and make our lives a little easier.

That is no longer an option. I could lamet about the unfairness of it all, but there is no point. I am in a stable situation and yes – there may not be many massive holidays in our future but that doesn’t matter. We are happy and safe and have enough to pay the bills – as long as energy bills stop going up.

So, the plan has changed. I am getting the PhD simply because I want to and I realised that is doesn’t matter if they give it to me or give me an MPhil. The book will have been completed and I will be able to move on to the next thing. And I am really looking forward to the next project.

As for covid – I hate brain fog but it has made me look at my life under a microscope and find that I love it. All of it. I just got to realise I am sitting a little differently than what I was. I’m no less than I was, just different.

I can say that despite the revelations, Covid sucks. I hate that it has been over a week and I still have it. I hate that I am still coughing. And I hate that just when I think I’m feeling better I get this huge fatigue and all I can do is sleep. Although, thank you Covid, for giving me the space to work a few things out.